Tortallan Weakest Link
by Briar's EquinoX
Summary: A hilarious look at what would happen if Tortallan characters went on the game show. It's the stupid comedy we all love. Final Chapter is now up!
1. Introductions

Tortallan Weakest Link   
By equinoX   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters or anything from NBC's gameshow the Weakest Link. I am not Tamora Pierce or Anne. This has swearing and sexual humour so don't say I didn't warn you.   
  
Author's Note: Flame me all you want, I don't care. If it makes you feel better, this is my first humour fic and I won't be posting more, unless this gets good reviews. You'll probably all hate me for what I'm gonna do to Daine and Alanna but you'll just have to read on to find out what.   
~~equinoX~~   
  
Anne: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, knights, squires, pages, commoners and royalty. You're watching Tortallan Broadcasting Corporation's hit game show The Weakest Link! I am Anne Robinson, your favourite and bitchiest old English asshole in the world! Aren't I modest?   
  
Anyway. Here are the rules. There are 8 contestants trying to win 1 million golden nobles. But there's a catch. Only 1 will win. The other 7 will walk away with nothing - or get stabbed through the heart. Mwahahahaha! I love my job! Professonial bitch. And when you all lose, I can laugh in your slimy, little pathetic faces! Ahahaha! As I was saying, at the end of the each round, vote off who you think is the weakest link! Or whoever your ex-boyfriend slept with and you want revenge on. After each question answered correctly, your money increases The fastest way to win is to form a chain of 8 correct answers. But if you answer one wrong, the balance drops to zero and the chain is broken. And I can call you a whole lot of dirty names you'll swear you never thought could come out of the dirtiest Carthaki Renegade's mouth! Ohya, yell Bank and the money goes in your dirty sock under the bed, which means you can keep it. What the hell. There are more rules, but I forget 'em and if you don't know what they are, then you SUCK because it's time you came out of your little cave and worshipped me like the rest of my Tortallan minions - er, fans. Let's start by introducing our contestants.   
  
Alanna: Yo! I'm the Lioness, and I smoke grass! So if you challenge me, I'll keep your slimy Scanran ass! Oh ya, I'm the first lady knight errant in all of Tortall. Hint, hint. This is a Kodak moment here. *cameras are heard going off* Also. I happen to have a new found passion for skateboarding.   
  
George: Hi! I'm Baron George of Pirate's Swoop. Formerly, King of the Rogues of Corus! You've already met my lovely wife Alanna. We have 3, is that right hon? or is it 5 kids... Oh screw it. I can't remember all the little Mithros cursed bastard's names at the moment. In case you were wondering, I'm a sex slave for my wife. *starts humping the table like Britney Spears*   
  
Ozorne: I am a Stormwing who temporarily returned from the dead to be on this show. I hate everything and everyone. Don't mess with me. Oh yes, I almost forget two eensie-weensie little tiny things you should know about me. 1) I hate Daine. She is an ugly little whore. Screw you sweetheart! and 2) I used to be Emperor Mage of Carthak before a messy little incident happened... But that's another story. Watch it this month on TMN.   
  
Numair: Shut up, you one balled bastard. Yes, I know about how Daine never misses a shot when she wants to hit it badly. Anyway. I am Numair Salmalin. THE Best mage of all time. Daine's my sweetie. I love you sweetheart. More than any of my other "conquests".   
  
Daine: Wazzzzaaapp! Hey, that hot dude I just gave a blowjob to was right! Those pills he called "LSD" are AmaZing!   
  
Numair: What! Are you telling me you give blowjobs to guys you just meet on the streets of Corus!   
  
Daine: Yeah. And I give lapdances and kinky sex. Grrrowhra! Come get me little sunbursts of supacharged chili peppa, uh huh. Oops. Did I just say that. Numy! I didn't mean it! These pills are influencing my mind. He did it! *points at Ozorne* He must be controlling my thoughts. I love you sweetie, and I would never try and hurt you in any way. *turns away and makes a disgusted face* By the way, I'm Veralidaine Sarrasri, Wild Mage. And when I say Wild, I mean Wild!   
  
Numair: *sobbing* I thought we had something going on sweetie. How could you do this to me! And on TV!   
  
Daine: It was an accident, gawdess! Did I say that?   
  
Numair: You bitchy whore! I hate you! *runs off the stage yelling for Varice*   
  
Anne: Well, well, well. I should have my own daytime talk show. I can really nose out a scandal. Anyway. Those are our contestants. And now there's only 7. I know! I know! That was only 5. Well go to hell everyone else, because I hate you!   
  
Keladry: Excuse me lady. But I wouldn't insult the SECOND Lady Knight in all of Tortall. I am just as important as them! Girls are equal. Yadda Yadda Yadda!   
  
Anne: Screw You.   
  
*Keladry jumps onto the podium and uses her hidden glaive and Yamani training to hack Anne to pieces*   
  
Keladry: Haahaahaa! That'll teach you to respect women's rights. You should anyway. You are one!   
  
*Anne's lifeless body is surrounded by a cloud of Red magic. When the fog clears she's good as new and alive again*   
  
Anne: Mwahaahaa! That's what you think dearie! You didn't expect the show not to have charms around me? That's how we stop crazed losers like yourself from attacking royalty like me.   
  
Jon: You aren't royalty! I am! Jonathan of Conte, King of Tortall at your service. And if you don't let me win, I'll have you hanged for treason. *cracks up* Not really. But let me win anyway or I'll sic the palace guard on you.   
  
*Kel is frozen in shock, but she finally is carried back to her seat by the show's security guards. If she were Jump her tail would be between her legs*   
  
Thayet: Jonnie dear... Be nice to all our loyal subjects. Aren't they all so cute? Coochie-coo Tortallans. I'm Thayet, Queen of Tortall. Unlike you, sweetheart *glowers at Anne* I am a ROYAL Bitch! Don't cross me or else. *she growls menacingly*   
  
Anne: Okay, okay. So we've introduced all of you stupid annoying fans to our stupid annoying contestants. More insults to come! After this commercial break! 


	2. Round 1

Tortallan Weakest Link   
Chapter 2~ Round 1   
  
Anne: We're Back! So get ready for the......Drumroll you idiots!... The Weakest Link! Who should be locked in the Chamber Of Ordeals? Who makes a Scanran Raider look like a Carthaki Royal University scholar? Find out on The Weakest Link - Tortallan Edition...   
  
Start the clocks! First question: Thayet... What nation is a small southern country made up of whores, merchants and lots of swampwater.   
  
Thayet: Ummmm..... Tortall?   
  
Anne: Wrong! You airheaded bitch! I knew Alanna was better for Jon all along! Haahaa. Now I get to laugh in your face and watch your pretty little face contort in a million little grimaces of awful, scary, horrible, evil, painful pain! Mwahaahaahaa! I am so evil. Even Duke Roger would love me.   
  
George: Excuse me! Are you saying that my wife is better off with another man! I challenge you to a duel! *remembers what happened to Keladry who is still whimpering pitifully* Or maybe not... But I can't look like a coward in front of my wife. Jon! I challenge you to a duel because you are an insolent, selfish prig and she happened to say you were better off for my wife.   
  
Jon: But I thought we were friends.   
  
George: *very confused now, scratches his big thick head* Ummm...We are, your majesty. But I don't want to duel with her! *points to Anne* She's scary!   
  
Jon: Ohh. Okay.. *thinks* Hey! I don't have to fight. I can get Raoul to kick your ass for me! But I might be getting a little rusty in combat. Okay, let's have an arm wrestle. You can't use any of those freaky little knife things you hide up your sleeve. Yeah, this is my best idea since letting girls become pages!   
  
Thayet: Ummm.... Excuse me here. It was MY idea to let girls become pages.   
  
Jon: Oh yeah. Well then. Let's get on with it.   
  
*Jon and George start wrestling. But George is so insane with jealousy and grief about his wife, he's very protective, did I forget to mention that? That he won't play fair. George stabs Jon in the dick with a knife he pulled from his pantleg. Jon isn't dead, but he's hurt.*   
  
George: Hahaha. He didn't say I couldn't use knives form my pants. He's the last person who will ever dishonour my family again! My wife is all mine. No one will ever find out what it's like to screw a lioness.   
  
Alanna: Hey! Is that all you think our relationship is about? Sex? What about walks down the beach at sunsets, and candlelight suppers and raising our beautiful children.   
  
George: But those all involve sex.   
  
Alanna: True. Okay, I admit it. You win. But don't let it happen again *she narrows her eyes* Or I'll have ot challenge YOU to a duel. And you can't beat me, even if you cheat with your VERY SHARP KNIVES! Hey, is Jon okay?  
  
Thayet: *comes out of La-la-land. She was so bored she started filing her nails* What! Is something wrong with Jon! Ohmigod! My little Jonniekins!   
  
Jon: I'm okay Thayet. But I doubt we'll be able to have any more children. I'll probably have to go see Numair's "special doctor".   
  
Daine: What! Numair sees a "special doctor" I knew there was something wrong with his dick. It wasn't half as much fun to suck as yours was, Jonnie sweetheart. I grieve for a lost sex partner.   
  
Thayet: What! You little whore! *She runs up to George reaches down his pants, grabs things, and starts pulling things out. She pulls up a cell phone, loose change, a calculator watch* Cool! I've always wanted one of those! *She puts it on, the continues digging*   
A great big pair of Polka Dot Shorts! How did THEY get there? *Finally Thayet pulls out a knife and stabs George.* That's for my hubby's dick! *Then Thayet pulls out more swords and stabs Jon and Daine* That's for cheating on me, you fucking bastard! And that's for making him cheat on me with your evil powers!   
  
Alanna: *Wide eyed in shock!* George! My little sex kitten! You were closer than Faithful to me! And that's saying something. All those years we've spent together. I never meant to be slutty. I made a mistake about Jon and Liam. Forgive me! *She reaches down George's pants and after a little pulling and tugging finds a knife. She drives it through her heart while singing sappy love balads.*   
  
Anne: Times up! Well ladies and gentlemen. This episode surpassed even my high expectations about the scandals I could cook up. Just so you know, this is not fake! Tortall is now without a king, and we've lost the King's Champion, Wildmage, Baron of Pirate's Swoop and only Mithros knows where Numair is. He's probably committed suicide by now. Ohya. Out of a A POSSIBLE 125,000 GOLDEN NOBLES; YOU TEAM, *only 3 people are left alive, Thayet, Kel and Ozorne* MADE A PATHETIC 0 GOLDEN NOBLES! It's now time to vote off who you thin is the weakest link! We'll return after these incredibly sappy and fucked up messages. Thanks for watching! 


	3. Round 2

Tortallan Weakest Link   
Chapter 3 ~Round 2   
  
Anne: Welcome back bitches and bastards! Voting over team, it's time to reveal who you think is the Weakest Link!   
  
Thayet: I like totally though Kel was the weakest link because she didn't answer a single question right. Even the really simple ones! Like oh my gawdess, who wouldn't know that Tyra is a marshy country with merchants and whores?   
  
Anne: You? Umm.. Hello inside there. Boy do you remind me of someone. Anybody seen the movies Legally Blonde or Clueless? Never mind. Thayet, you were the only one who actually answered a question, and you got it wrong. In fact, if I recall correctly, it was a question about Tyra.   
  
Thayet: Ohya. Ummm.... I must have been thinking of something else. Never Mind.   
  
Ozorne: I voted off Thayet. For obvious reasons. She's an airheaded bitch, and she actually WAS the weakest link. Plus, I hate all Tortallans anyway, and she was stupider than Kel.   
  
Anne: I like you Ozorne. You're smarter than all these idiotic Tortallans. Are you available after the show tonight?   
  
Ozorne: Sorry, Uusoae said I have to back by my curfew.   
  
Anne: Oh well. Kel? What did you choose?   
  
*Kel is still frozen with her nonexistant tail between her legs*   
  
Anne: Okay then... We have a tie! Between Kel and Thayet. And the way we usually work with this is have the strongest link form the last round decide. But nobody actually got anything right, so I'll decide who I hate most... *the Jeopardy song plays as Anne scratches her head and whispers to the cameramen* Okay. That was the hardest decision of my life. *rolls her eyes*. Kel, with two votes. You are the Weakest Link! Goodbye! Now fuck off and don't come back.   
  
*Kel still can't move so she is carted off by the show's helperboys.*   
  
Anne: Thanks for watching The Weakest Link! Don't touch that dial! Because after these Godsdamned commercials, we'll find out who will take home the grand prize of 0 Golden Nobles! 


	4. The Fantastical End!

Tortallan Weakest Link  
Chapter 4   
  
Anne: We're back to the Weakest Link! Now we'll find out who will take home the grand prize. Will it be Ozorne or Thayet?   
  
First question. Thayet? Who was the princess originally scheduled to marry Prince Roald before she died in an earthquake?   
  
Thayet: Hmmm... I should know this. I was the one who worked out the agreement. Hmmz. I know it was like Chiselass or something wasn't it? No! I remember, it was Chipsybitch! No that doesn't sound right. I know! It was Princess Chisakami of the Yamani Isles.   
  
Anne: I wouldn't normally let you get away with this but since I'm feeling nice... Okay. Fine. Thayet has 1 point. This is sudden death. As soon as either of you gets one wrong the other person wins our grand prize.   
  
Thayet: Like, what the hell is this "grand prize" anyway.   
  
Anne: It is whatever you and the other contestants won in other rounds.   
  
Thayet: Sooooo.... It's nothing? That sucks! I quit this stupid show! *she flounces off in a hissy fit and runs away form all the reporters following her with microphones*   
  
Anne: Ozorne! You are our grand prize winner! CONGRATULATIONS SWEET ASS! You are my man. OwooOwoo!   
  
Ozorne: Are usually such an emotionally unstable woman?   
  
Anne: Shut up smartass. *looks at her wrist* Ohmigosh! Uusoae's calling you. It's naptime sweetums!   
  
*Ozorne growls and tries to jump at her but a ball of everycolor flame consumes him and he disappears.   
  
Anne: I'm Anne, the bitchy English asshole host of this gods cursed show. I would like to leave you with one final message. Fuck you Tortall. Thank you.   
  
*The crowd goes wild* 


End file.
